On Apathy.

Lately, I've been feeling quite apathetic. It feels like nothing is holding me to the place I am right now--I could take or leave most of it. This feeling usually comes after a good weekend of either 1) hanging out at home with my parents or 2) going to Moscow and hanging out with my friends there, mostly Ryan. It seems like my life has become hanging out at home or in Moscow, interrupted by long periods where I'm forced to stay in Caldwell.

On the other hand, I can't imagine the nightmare that would be transferring. All of the credits that I'm sure wouldn't be transferable and then having to stay in school longer than I ever planned. And of course academically, switching to the University of Idaho would be a bad idea. C of I is much better in every academic aspect. But I KNOW I would be happy there. And if I'm no longer happy(iest, really) here, what's stopping me?

I wish it was as simple as listing out the pros and cons of each option, but it's just not. It's not that easy. If I could pick up and transfer with no hassle and all credits transferred, I think I would.

No, I KNOW I would.

I just...don't like it here as much as I used to. I feel like I'm delaying my happiness because I'm afraid of the hassle that is transferring and I'm afraid of what people are going to think. But, in the end, I wouldn't care what they thought AFTER I left, I just wouldn't want to tell anyone that I'm leaving.



I just. I know what I want, but I just. I don't know.

Answers to the question "What are you doing New Years, New Year's Eve?"

• Going to the same family friend's house I go to every year, where I will eat mostly desserts off of paper plates.
• Playing numerous card and/or board games, all of which I will neither win nor lose, but land somewhere in the middle.
• Making forced small talk with people 3 times my age, topics ranging from school to my current relationship status.
• Tweeting.
• Texting. A lot. Specifially, my long distance boyfriend who is currently in PA. He tried to bribe me with a cat video for dirty pictures earlier. I didn't give in. 
• Leaving aforementioned family friend's house no later than 11, when everyone's eyes start drooping.
• Going to sleep.

New Year's Resolutions

Are kind of a joke--let's be honest here. But I do believe that the end of the year is a good time to reflect on all that you have accomplished, and what you would like to change. Reflecting on my reflection of last year, I didn't really have any kind of reflection. The one thing that does stick out in my mind, however, was how unhappy I was. I think, unconsciously, I made resolutions to start being happy. I was also really, really unhappy with my body, and all of the weight I had gained (freshman 20, anybody?). When my mom took portraits of us at Christmas, I distinctly remember not being able to look at the pictures of myself because I was so unhappy. Evidence is below.

The interesting thing is that I didn't start losing a significant amount of weight until the school year started--that's when I made the choice to start being happy again. And here I am, a year later. I have lost all of that weight. I am happy again. And of course, a lot of other aspects of my life have lined up as well also, but I think those top the list. 

Happy New Year! I hope it finds you well and happy. 

I sincerely apologize for not updating more. The truth of the matter is, I've run out of profound things to say. Like I ever had profound things to say in the first place, but I think that's the point.

I started keeping up this blog last year at this time because I was going through some rough times. It was a coping mechanism that turned out to work quite well. The very foundations of where I had placed my faith were being shook--things that I thought were guaranteed, weren't anymore. And because something I had believed to be concrete and stable went awry, and I began to question everything in my life. If my thoughts on this (which I had held for a long time) were wrong (or being doubted) then how did I know that the other things I believed true were right? When my introspective confidants had disappeared (for whatever reason), this blog took their place.

Which explains why I haven't written something of significance in a long time. The need for that reflective process is gone. I'm kind of sad about it, but kind of not. I mean, time goes by, things change, and there's absolutely nothing I can do to stop it. As the past year has shown me (more than any), people come and go, things will change, but time continues.


So I mean, I'm alive, but that's pretty much all you need to know.

True Story

Haha, I never blog anymore.

Words of wisdom, from Kat George.

This was one of the most beautiful things I've ever read.