In a Funk

Guys, after rehearsal yesterday I was so drained.

I can't even adequately explain how I felt. Hollis was in my grill. I understood what she was telling me and the kind of reaction she was trying to get, but I couldn't translate it to my character, or the scene. Of course, the irony there is that April doesn't like to "go" there either--she is, after all, fighting to stay invulnerable, and I like to do that too. I'd rather play her from afar, and not get so into it that I burst into tears.

And it wasn't even worth it, because when we ran the scene after the whole ordeal it wasn't nearly as explosive.

After I start crying I just can't stop. (At least when the cause for tears is so ambiguous, like it was last night). I was on edge for the rest of the night. And then, when Hollis told us she couldn't do anything more with us because our lines were so horrible, I just couldn't hold it in. I knew her comment wasn't directed at me but I couldn't help it. I felt like I had let her down. She had just spent all of this time with me to get this scene perfect, but I couldn't even carry the changes through. Try as she might, she couldn't break through to me. And even after she did, and I started crying and yelling, I just built up the wall between April and me even higher.

I'm just at such a loss right now. I can cheer up for a little bit, I can start feeling less stressed, but in the end, I go back to feeling like this. I feel like April is slipping through my fingers. Like when you grab jello, and the harder you grab, the more it keeps slipping. I feel powerless.

I'm really over the show at this point. I feel like I could walk away and not have any feelings of remorse. I know this feeling is temporary, but it's really hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel at this point.



I've lost my connection, and I need to get it back--I just don't know where to find it, or where to even start looking.