Homesick.

"I just miss the way things used to be. I miss having a steady boyfriend, I miss being able to tell my mom stuff, and I miss my dog.

I hate looking at my walls lately, because all they do is remind me of what I wish I could go back to. And I hate looking at Facebook, because I see how much fun Ryan is having, and I wish I could be there sharing that with him."

- "I Love My Mom" 1/23/11

I miss a lot of people, and a lot of things right now that I can't really get. The funny thing is, all of the things I have listed above here, I still miss. I can tell my mom things now, which is great and awesome, and I'm going to keep it that way, but she's in Boise. I have my steady boyfriend back, and things are basically the way they used to be, but we're long distance. I still hate looking at my walls, because they just remind me what I'm missing out on, and I hate looking at Facebook because I still wish I was in Moscow with all my friends. Sometimes I regret choosing to come to Caldwell -- but the fact is that I've made too many connections here, and I have too many friends here to leave. Maybe if they all turned on me, started hating me, it would be different. I almost wish for that to happen, because then I would have an excuse to leave.

But, this is the choice I made. Sometimes I'm happy about it, sometimes I'm not. But I have to live with it. I have to make the best of it. And even though I doubt it, I know I ended up here for a reason. In the end, I have to do what makes me happiest (again, I remember those exact words coming out of my mouth, but holding an entirely different meaning a year ago), and I have to remember that happiness is a choice.

I am happy.