The light at the end of the tunnel is there!

I can finally see it.

I was worried, but it's definitely there now. Rehearsal went infinitely better tonight than it did the night before.

It's kind of weird, how pretending (basically) can ruin my entire day, and the whole day after. As Cyd said today-- "Acting is hard! People really don't give it the credit it deserves. It's actually really, really difficult." Why yes, Cyd, yes it is.



Phew. That was scary. But I'm back now! Promise.

In a Funk

Guys, after rehearsal yesterday I was so drained.

I can't even adequately explain how I felt. Hollis was in my grill. I understood what she was telling me and the kind of reaction she was trying to get, but I couldn't translate it to my character, or the scene. Of course, the irony there is that April doesn't like to "go" there either--she is, after all, fighting to stay invulnerable, and I like to do that too. I'd rather play her from afar, and not get so into it that I burst into tears.

And it wasn't even worth it, because when we ran the scene after the whole ordeal it wasn't nearly as explosive.

After I start crying I just can't stop. (At least when the cause for tears is so ambiguous, like it was last night). I was on edge for the rest of the night. And then, when Hollis told us she couldn't do anything more with us because our lines were so horrible, I just couldn't hold it in. I knew her comment wasn't directed at me but I couldn't help it. I felt like I had let her down. She had just spent all of this time with me to get this scene perfect, but I couldn't even carry the changes through. Try as she might, she couldn't break through to me. And even after she did, and I started crying and yelling, I just built up the wall between April and me even higher.

I'm just at such a loss right now. I can cheer up for a little bit, I can start feeling less stressed, but in the end, I go back to feeling like this. I feel like April is slipping through my fingers. Like when you grab jello, and the harder you grab, the more it keeps slipping. I feel powerless.

I'm really over the show at this point. I feel like I could walk away and not have any feelings of remorse. I know this feeling is temporary, but it's really hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel at this point.



I've lost my connection, and I need to get it back--I just don't know where to find it, or where to even start looking.

How to get back together with your ex

First: Date for 2 years. Then: Go to different schools. On opposite sides of the country. Decide that instead of pining and being depressed all the time, you're going to have fun. Break up with your best friend. Be too much of a coward to do it to his face, so tell him you "need to talk" over Facebook chat. Tell him you don't want it to be bitter. Be annoyed when the comments on his changed relationship status make you look like a heartless bitch.

Go out that same night. Revel in your newfound freedom. For the first time in two years you can (almost) guiltlessly check out guys. Two years! Feel weird answering "No" to the question "Do you have a boyfriend?". Accidentally say yes to a woman at work, and then correct yourself, explaining "I just got so used to saying yes..."

Have your first fling that doesn't end bitterly. Feel mature.

Have a fling that ends bitterly, and not on your own terms. Feel mad at the fact that for once, someone isn't totally in love with you. Wonder if that was why you were interested. Talk about nothing else for a month.

Ruin your relationship with your significant parent. Fight over everything, but mostly why you broke up with your boyfriend. They won't understand, but more importantly, don't understand it yourself. Miss how things used to be so perfect. Wonder if you're glamorizing it. Decide that you are, and tell people "It's hard not to romanticize our relationship... I really only remember the good things."

Have all encounters with your ex be bitter. Allow yourself to be a bitch. Say things you don't mean, things that are meant to hurt his feelings. Feel bad about it afterwards, but not enough to apologize (and hurt your pride).

Hang out with him and a mutual group of friends over Christmas break. Try to ignore the way your stomach drops when you see him for the first time. Be unable to ignore it as tears pop into your eyes.

Miss the stability of having a boyfriend.

Ignore each other for the remainder of the school year.

Calm down after about 8 months of officially being "broken up". Your relationship with your significant parent has been mostly repaired. Invite your ex to a family event (after all, your family still loves him). You can peacefully coexist now, you realize.

Invite him to dinner, 2 months later, when he gets back from visiting the other side of his family.

Be surprised (or don't) at how things can be exactly the way they were before you broke up. Think about how weird it is that you do the exact same things, but in a completely different context.

Hug him a little bit too long. Hate that you can't kiss him. Cry about it a little bit. Kinda feel like your heart is breaking.

Consider the idea of getting back together. Talk to your drunk sibling about it. They're right.

Talk to your significant parent about getting back together with him. They're so happy they cry a little bit. They're not just happy because this is what they always wanted, they're happy because now you're doing it because you want it.

Tell him over pancakes that you're playing with the idea of getting back together. Love the look of disbelief on his face. Tell him that you have nothing to lose, that you might as well give it a chance. Understand his hesitation, and start crying a little bit, because if he doesn't take you back, you don't want anyone else.

But if you were him you probably wouldn't take you back either.

Love the way he catches your waist on the way out of the restaurant. Love that he pays for your pancakes too, even though he didn't eat any.

Be so happy that you cry.

You cry a lot. Not because you miss him (long distance is never easy), but because you can't believe he's yours. It took you this long, but you finally see what's right in front of you. And cry about missing him. But not as often as you thought you would.

Typcasting

It's kind of ridiculous how much we actually resemble our characters in The Hot L. We did a character development this week, and I didn't even feel like I was developing a character -- I felt like I was talking to Hollis about how I am. Or at least, used to be. April is, in essence, the character who tries to care the least. She constantly pokes fun at everyone else with a slightly cynical eye, and her snarky sense of humor embraces that. She spends the whole play fighting to stay invulnerable, which I tried to do for so long. It was only after I got my heart broken, broke a couple (or 5) of my own, and got mine broken again that I was able to just stop pretending not to care anymore. April of course, being in the field of work that she is (the world's oldest profession) doesn't have the same luxury that I do, someone that loves her unconditionally. The hotel is her home, and her family. She shows that love by caring about them in her own special way, by play-mocking and offering unsolicited advice (much like I do). I love April though, and there is a part of her in me. Maybe minus the hooker part, April is the girl I want to grow up to be.

In short: Come see the show. I'm playing myself in short shorts and hooker boots.

It has occurred to me that this is what love is.

I know that every moment of every day, my thoughts revolve around him. I know that when I am lying in bed (alone) at night, none of my worldly possessions around me matter, at all. I know I would leave them all in a heartbeat if it meant I could spend all my time with him, because when we’re together I don’t need anything but him. I know that every time I leave him, my heart breaks a little and I immediately start counting down the weeks, days, hours, minutes, until he can hold me again. I know that every single guy I’ve met since him has paled in comparison, in one way or another. I know that as long as I have tried to hide it, and as long as I did hide it, it feels good to just feel again. I know now that I hated hating him, but it was what I had to do to deal with the hole it left in my heart. I know that as hard as long distance is, it’s worth it if it means I get to hug him for as long as I want when I see him. I know that as hard as it is with only skype dates and texting to get us through, it’s better than being alone. I know that no matter what, I have someone that I can count on, someone who is always on my side. I know that no matter what I have a best friend, and someone to keep me company. I know that I don’t want anyone else — not now, and not ever. I know that he is the only one that has ever had my heart, and I know that he knows that. I also know that he would never do anything to hurt me. Because he loves me too.

Homesick.

"I just miss the way things used to be. I miss having a steady boyfriend, I miss being able to tell my mom stuff, and I miss my dog.

I hate looking at my walls lately, because all they do is remind me of what I wish I could go back to. And I hate looking at Facebook, because I see how much fun Ryan is having, and I wish I could be there sharing that with him."

- "I Love My Mom" 1/23/11

I miss a lot of people, and a lot of things right now that I can't really get. The funny thing is, all of the things I have listed above here, I still miss. I can tell my mom things now, which is great and awesome, and I'm going to keep it that way, but she's in Boise. I have my steady boyfriend back, and things are basically the way they used to be, but we're long distance. I still hate looking at my walls, because they just remind me what I'm missing out on, and I hate looking at Facebook because I still wish I was in Moscow with all my friends. Sometimes I regret choosing to come to Caldwell -- but the fact is that I've made too many connections here, and I have too many friends here to leave. Maybe if they all turned on me, started hating me, it would be different. I almost wish for that to happen, because then I would have an excuse to leave.

But, this is the choice I made. Sometimes I'm happy about it, sometimes I'm not. But I have to live with it. I have to make the best of it. And even though I doubt it, I know I ended up here for a reason. In the end, I have to do what makes me happiest (again, I remember those exact words coming out of my mouth, but holding an entirely different meaning a year ago), and I have to remember that happiness is a choice.

I am happy.

Hello, sophomore year.

This year is going to be a good one -- I can feel it.

Let's start with a list to get you updated.

1. I moved into my double in Voorhees.
2. I went to Judicial Board training.
3. I moved out of my double in Voorhees and into a single in Anderson (thank god).
4. I auditioned for The Hot L Baltimore and got the part of April Green (who is SO CLEARLY a prostitute -- this should be fun)
5. I'm actually on top of my homeowork this year?
   

I literally cannot put in words how stoked I am right now.

Also:

Yep. :)

So happy.