That's it, it's all over.

It's weird that the show is over. Of course, every day passing is full of moments that I'll never get back, but when it's defined in such clear terms, like the ending of a show, it always seems so much more important. This experience is so completely unique and I'll never get it back -- that's what's scary. All of this was so fleeting. Back at the beginning of the term Mike told us in Stagecraft that we'll have to strike the show at the end of April and I distinctly remember thinking, wow, that's so far away. It will take forever to come.

But here I am. I just came from striking the show.

Of course, back then I had no idea where I'd be. I didn't know that I would be in the show, and I didn't know how much it would mean to me. How much these people would mean to me.

Because of rehearsals, I kept missing out on things like bowling night, St. Patrick's day, and Ms. C of I, but to me those sacrifices were worth it. I was making the sacrifice for something that I absolutely LOVE, and that's what's important. Hearing all of the seniors talk about their graduation plans, and everything that they're going to do is so exciting. I get excited for them.

Of course, as an actor, you take away something from every show that you're in, every role you play. This one in particular was kind of ironic, because it's all about wondering about our purpose in life, and how everyone seems to be in on the joke but us. My favorite quote was from one of Rosencrantz's monologues:

"Before we know the words for it, before we know that there ARE words, out we come, bloodied and squalling with the knowledge that for all the compasses in the world, there is only one direction, and time it's only measure."

It's a great quote.

I'm really sad to see this come to a close, but alas. Everything comes to a close, we just don't always realize it.

My life = made.

Did you just see that? Ryan O'Connell (my all-time-favorite Thought Catalog writer) wants to buy me a drink if I'm ever in NYC.

I'm going to die of happiness.

SERIOUSLY THOUGH. This is the best day of my life.

Take me to the place I love, take me all the way.

Something occurred to me last night, right before I fell asleep (like all good ideas do) and instead of letting this one slip out of my head during full consciousness, I saved it in a text message.

I was reflecting on my weekend, and all that had gone on and determined that there are two types of guys.

1. Mentally stimulating, conversations consist of witty banter, fast and fun, but quickly burn out and don't last long, attraction reciprocated and acted on almost immediately, spans over a couple of weeks, months at most.
2. Oblivious of hotness, doesn't quite have game yet, an elementary-type pursuit that consists of a large "infatuation" phase where nothing serious happens for a long time, conversations are short and vague/analyzed to the point of nonexistence, can span over months or years.

While I have experienced both of these in college thus far, I'm not sure which I prefer. Naturally, I do quite enjoy the first, and at first glance I do like the witty banter and initial attraction a lot more than the second, but the second keeps my interest longer. The second also consists of a lot of mental torture and analytics, as I stated previously. That kind of thing takes me back to middle school--analyzing everything someone says and does to try and get their attention.

Another important thing to consider is the role I take in each of these situations. In the first, I think of it as a power struggle where I'm playing hard to get and the power holder. In the second I'm more likely to be submissive and agreeable, even pretending to like things I don't actually like just so we'll have something in common.

From a friend's perspective, both are kind of annoying to deal with, but I think the first is less annoying just because of length of which they have to endure my obsession. I also try to seem less obsessive when I'm pursuing the first, because it's part of the act, but in reality I obsess just as much. I'm just better at hiding it.

So where does this leave me? As of the last couple sentences, I think it means I like the second more. The obsession, the chase, the (almost creepy) worship, but above all, naiivete of it all. One of my favorite things in the world is being able to naively love somebody. Because in that state of mind, your love is pure. You're truly vulnerable, and that's something that goes under appreciated.

In the grand scheme of things, all of these boys are just a drop in the bucket, as much as I'd love to believe that they're not.

This also makes me think of a nerd joke my dad told me once: There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who don't.

Yes.

This is what I want to do. Now, I’m sure of it. I’ve never felt more inspired, felt more loved or as happy as I am after an evening of rehearsal. It’s the lights, hot on my face and the exchange of energy from my fellow actors to the audience, and back to me. I feed off of that rush I get when I walk on stage.

It’s not even all about performing. It’s about transforming into someone else, even if it’s just for a couple hours. It’s about discovering new parts of myself that I didn’t know were there until I saw them through someone else’s eyes.

This is my runner’s high. My adrenaline rush. I’ve never felt so alive.

This could be one of the best things that’s ever happened to me.

I’ve found my passion.

This is what I want to do.

Forever.

But, these people, this experience, is all so fleeting. I only have 7 more shows to prove myself. 7 more opportunities that I will only get once. I need to make each of them count. 7 more performances, unique each of itself. None will be exactly the same.

They will all blur together, but all stick out, at the same time.

This is what I want.

Yep.

Accurate.

I read this while listening to The Ocean by The Bravery.

You should too.

/ˈchī(ə)ld/

Then again, maybe I will have my own kids.

This is the bike I want.

But I've no idea where to find it.