It has occurred to me that this is what love is.

I know that every moment of every day, my thoughts revolve around him. I know that when I am lying in bed (alone) at night, none of my worldly possessions around me matter, at all. I know I would leave them all in a heartbeat if it meant I could spend all my time with him, because when we’re together I don’t need anything but him. I know that every time I leave him, my heart breaks a little and I immediately start counting down the weeks, days, hours, minutes, until he can hold me again. I know that every single guy I’ve met since him has paled in comparison, in one way or another. I know that as long as I have tried to hide it, and as long as I did hide it, it feels good to just feel again. I know now that I hated hating him, but it was what I had to do to deal with the hole it left in my heart. I know that as hard as long distance is, it’s worth it if it means I get to hug him for as long as I want when I see him. I know that as hard as it is with only skype dates and texting to get us through, it’s better than being alone. I know that no matter what, I have someone that I can count on, someone who is always on my side. I know that no matter what I have a best friend, and someone to keep me company. I know that I don’t want anyone else — not now, and not ever. I know that he is the only one that has ever had my heart, and I know that he knows that. I also know that he would never do anything to hurt me. Because he loves me too.

Homesick.

"I just miss the way things used to be. I miss having a steady boyfriend, I miss being able to tell my mom stuff, and I miss my dog.

I hate looking at my walls lately, because all they do is remind me of what I wish I could go back to. And I hate looking at Facebook, because I see how much fun Ryan is having, and I wish I could be there sharing that with him."

- "I Love My Mom" 1/23/11

I miss a lot of people, and a lot of things right now that I can't really get. The funny thing is, all of the things I have listed above here, I still miss. I can tell my mom things now, which is great and awesome, and I'm going to keep it that way, but she's in Boise. I have my steady boyfriend back, and things are basically the way they used to be, but we're long distance. I still hate looking at my walls, because they just remind me what I'm missing out on, and I hate looking at Facebook because I still wish I was in Moscow with all my friends. Sometimes I regret choosing to come to Caldwell -- but the fact is that I've made too many connections here, and I have too many friends here to leave. Maybe if they all turned on me, started hating me, it would be different. I almost wish for that to happen, because then I would have an excuse to leave.

But, this is the choice I made. Sometimes I'm happy about it, sometimes I'm not. But I have to live with it. I have to make the best of it. And even though I doubt it, I know I ended up here for a reason. In the end, I have to do what makes me happiest (again, I remember those exact words coming out of my mouth, but holding an entirely different meaning a year ago), and I have to remember that happiness is a choice.

I am happy.

Hello, sophomore year.

This year is going to be a good one -- I can feel it.

Let's start with a list to get you updated.

1. I moved into my double in Voorhees.
2. I went to Judicial Board training.
3. I moved out of my double in Voorhees and into a single in Anderson (thank god).
4. I auditioned for The Hot L Baltimore and got the part of April Green (who is SO CLEARLY a prostitute -- this should be fun)
5. I'm actually on top of my homeowork this year?
   

I literally cannot put in words how stoked I am right now.

Also:

Yep. :)

So happy.