One of the best aspects of our internet-based society is the gratuitous amount of information you can glean from social networking sites. Profiles can provide enormous insights to everyone in your social circle, from future love interests, to estranged children. This commonality has become widely known as “Facebook Stalking”. As an avid Facebook stalker, I feel I can provide several insights to the phenomena that has become Facebook stalking.
Facebook stalking may seem like a daunting task for those who haven’t done it before. You might think that it requires an extreme amount of stealth and creativity, when in reality all you need is an extreme case of boredom and shameless curiosity. Here are some tips and hints from one of Facebook's best and brightest.
• Watch every video they’ve posted, and follow all links. Feel free to Google quotes that you do not immediately recognize. These could end up being from their favorite television show, movie, or band. Upon discovering where the quotes come from, become the expert on that specific subject. Chances are, they relate to videos or links they have posted previously. Knowing random facts about their favorite band or TV show will give you a conversation starter for when that little green light appears next to their name in Facebook chat.
• Follow your victim’s activities on other people’s pages. Do they comment or post on one person’s wall a lot? Follow the link. Is it funny? Irritating? Generic?
• Another helpful hint when trying to get to know someone from their profile is looking at their information page. What beliefs or political stances do they have posted? Are they listed as a conservative and have several quotes from Rush Limbaugh under “Favorite Quotations”? These small details can paint a picture of your victim that you might have not seen otherwise, or in some cases, reaffirm what you already know. In any case, small details like this work as great conversation starters.
With all of these tips, I bet you’re just itching to get started. However, you’re a little stumped on who to Facebook stalk—no worries, I have here a list that can help you get started.
• New boyfriend/girlfriend? Stalk their exes. You never know what pictures or posts might be kept hidden under “Older Posts” (aka, a year or so ago). Also check out siblings. That way, when they start talking about their family you can put a name to the face; maybe even bring up a recent status update.
• New potential boyfriend girlfriend? Stalk all available outlets. Friends who frequently post on their wall, tag them in pictures, etc.
• Current crush taken? Stalk THEIR boyfriend/girlfriend. Private profile? No problem. Look for listed siblings or parents whose profiles aren’t as private, then look for pictures from family sanctioned events, like weddings and vacations.
Provided a list of things TO DO, I feel it is only fair to provide a list of what NOT to do. So here you are.
• DO NOT like or comment on every single one of their posts.
• DO NOT like or comment on every single one of their pictures.
• DO NOT like or comment on anything that is older than 2 days.
The only time that you should feel free to like or comment as much as you want is when it appears on your news feed. If you comment on anything older than that, you’re being a Facebook stalker—and not in a good way. The key to Facebook stalking is knowing everything about a person WITHOUT them knowing you’re doing so. As soon as you like or comment on something that is, say, 3 months old, it is clear that you’ve been clicking the “Older Posts” button, which is just plain creepy.
After all that, the one question I’m sure you’re all asking yourself is, “What do people see on my profile?” The truth is, a lot. As soon as I got into Facebook stalking, the first thing I did was go to my privacy settings and make everything as private as possible. Now, if you want to see my pictures, wall posts, or information, you have to friend me first, making me virtually unstalkable to those who do not know me (all friends are fair game). That being said, the most frustrating thing to come across when Facebook stalking is someone’s profile that is completely private.
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